


Beauty in the Breakdown

by littlealex



Category: Arashi (Band), Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Community: je_holiday, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-08
Updated: 2010-01-08
Packaged: 2017-10-12 07:20:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/122324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlealex/pseuds/littlealex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aiba learns the hard way about managing stress during a drama season.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beauty in the Breakdown

Aiba knows exactly when this all started.

It was the day he found out that he was going to star in a drama. It was a sweltering day in late July, hardly cooler in the evenings than during the day, and his manager had called to give him the good news as he was on his way to a taping of _Arashi no Shukudai-kun_. It was the best news he'd had had all year by far. He'd always felt a little left out of the drama circuit, but it had been mitigated by Ohno's lack of starring roles. Once Ohno had done so well with _Maou_ and _Uta no Onii-san_ , though, his position on the outside was thrown into sharp relief. With the news of the role, though, it felt as though the phantom pressure he'd felt weighing on his shoulders heavier and heavier over the years had lifted.

His heart nearly burst with pride as he told the others. He could see the feeling reflected in their eyes as they congratulated him, and they all agreed to go out to celebrate after work. Aiba felt as though he was walking on air for the entire taping, mind wandering and fumbling his reactions more than usual. The light feeling carried him through work and all the way to the yakiniku restaurant they let him choose.

Once they were all inside, seated around the grill with meat and vegetables and beer stacked between them, that was when it started. Aiba didn't recognize it at the time - the warning bells were muffled by alcohol and the heady feeling good news gives off - but he can see it now, in hindsight, clear as day.

"So, Aiba, on a scale from one to ten, how excited are you?" Sho asked in his best interviewer's voice, miming a microphone in front of Aiba's mouth.

"One hundred!" Aiba replied with a grin. He could see Nino's eye-roll out of the corner of his eye, but he could also see the smile that hovered around Nino's mouth at the same time.

"It's not a bad time slot," Jun said with a half-grin in Ohno's direction, leaning over to pile a few pieces of meat into Aiba's bowl. "Take care of it, now."

Aiba nodded enthusiastically, practically bouncing, and he caught Nino nudging Ohno in the ribs. Ohno cleared his throat and spoke around his mouthful of meat. "I'm, um... very happy... well, pleased... you know, that you have taken over the time slot from _Uta no Onii-san_. It's an important place on a Friday night, so please, take care of it."

"That was two seasons ago," Sho said with a laugh in his voice, swatting at Ohno's head playfully.

"Thank you, Oh-chan," Aiba said with a grin, bowing his head so low that a bit of his hair dipped into his beer. He straightened with a giggle and continued to eat as he could see Nino gearing up to say something.

"I hope you have a strategy for remembering your lines." Aiba was so full of happiness and alcohol and food that he didn't even pretend to be annoyed at the assumption that he would fail.

Jun rolled his eyes, though, getting annoyed on Aiba's behalf. "Like you've ever studied a script in your life." Then he turned to Aiba, putting more food into his bowl. "If you need any help remembering your lines, just ask. I have a book I can lend you about how to remember things, it really helps when you've got long monologues or dialogue sequences where you can't always track the logic of the conversation."

Most of the words went over Aiba's head - he didn't want to think about the work aspect of the drama just yet - so he just smiled at the earnest tone in Jun's voice and leaned over to press a kiss to his cheek. "Thank you, Matsujun. You're always so thoughtful."

"Make sure you get enough sleep, too," Sho said seriously, taking a sip of his beer. His face was red from the alcohol and the grill, and Aiba leaned over to press a kiss to his cheek as well.

"Just like Sho-chan to worry beforehand," he said, leaning his elbow on the table and propping his head in his hand. Sho frowned a little, but the corner of his mouth turned up in a smile anyway.

"I'm serious, Aiba! You can do almost anything when you get enough sleep," Sho tried again, but Aiba could practically feel the rebuttal from Nino before he heard it.

"Right, like he should take advice from Mr. Let's-Not-Eat-For-Two-Months!" Nino called across the table, which only set Aiba giggling. The rest of the table was then thrust into a heated but friendly argument about who had done the most stupid, life-threatening things during the course of filming a serial drama, as Aiba continued eating, watching the scene unfold. It was a familiar, worn argument that they liked to break out whenever someone had a new role, and it felt like a warm, comfortable blanket surrounding them, so much so that Aiba couldn't bring himself to care that they occasionally interrupted it with pieces of advice and wise words directed at him. What he could see in his mind's eye was the next time this would happen, when he would be giving advice and all of the mistakes he would make and all the pitfalls he would come across would be included in the argument.

What Aiba didn't realize, of course, was that making those mistakes would be the easy part.

\---

What hits first is the tiredness.

Over the years, Aiba has gotten as good as anyone else in Johnny's at managing his sleeping habits. Learning to balance a busy work schedule with healthy sleeping habits is one of the most basic skills an idol can have. Adding drama filming into the mix seems impossible at first, but merely difficult later on. For the first couple of weeks, Aiba doesn't get more than three hours of sleep a night; he finally manages to bump it up to six during the third week, but the sleep deprivation catches up with him and he's almost constantly yawning, napping, or nodding off.

One day after a production meeting for _VS Arashi_ (which had never seemed so pointless to Aiba until now), Sho catches Aiba's elbow as they file out of the room. "Can we talk a minute?" Before Aiba can respond, however, Sho drags him to the fire exit and starts walking down the stairs slowly.

"What is it, Sho-chan?" Aiba whines, plodding down the stairs. "I've got to be back at the van so I can get to - "

"You're not getting enough sleep, are you?" It's barely a question, though, and Aiba sighs. Sho sounds like Aiba's mother at the best of times and usually it's cute, but right now all it does is remind Aiba that he's tired. "I saw you nodding off in the meeting just then. Usually you're giving suggestions or at least alert. Even _Leader_ spoke more than you did. You know you can't let everything else go just because you've got this drama."

"I know, Sho-chan," Aiba says, offering him a weary smile. "It's just the adjustment period; I'm still getting used to the schedule and the workload. I'll be okay."

The look on Sho's face turns from a concerned frown into a smile, and he lets go of Aiba's elbow, instead threading Aiba's arm through his own as they continue their heavy footsteps down the stairs. "Good. Once you make it to the end of the first month, it gets easier. And by the time you're used to it, filming's over. Just try not to kill yourself before you get there."

Aiba nods, leaning on Sho's arm for support as he lets the words sink in. Things might get easier, but he knows it's not going to become second nature to him any time soon. "Don't worry, Sho-chan," he replies, barely stifling a yawn. "I'll take good care of myself, I promise."

\---

Next, he starts forgetting his lines.

Not drama lines, of course; he's putting all his energy into remembering large swathes of dialogue, and he always comes to the _My Girl_ set prepared to tackle any script changes as fast as he can. What's tripping him up is variety show dialogue, which is easy and should already be in his memory banks. He's never had any trouble remembering his cues, or chiming in at exactly the right moment before, and he finds that he has underestimated the amount of effort he usually put in.

Before the drama, when he received loose scripts for _Arashi no Shukudai-kun_ , he looked over it the night he got it, once again during the weekend, and then once more before turning up on set on filming day. He keeps up with the habit for the first three weeks of the drama, but as things start piling up on his mind and in his schedule, the scripts start going straight in his bag and not getting read until he steps into the elevator to go to the studio.

The results are just as expected, and after a particularly horrific episode (flubbed lines, complete inability to read off the cue card, almost forgetting how to introduce Aibaland), Jun presses a hand to Aiba's lower back and whispers in the voice he reserves for delicate matters, "Would you like to get dinner with me?"

Aiba agrees before he can think about why Jun has invited him out, but he cottons on quickly once they're at the restaurant. It's not difficult when Jun gives him a long, significant look over his glass of water, head slightly tilted and lips pursed in thought.

"What is it, Matsujun?" Aiba asks after a while, though he's pretty sure he knows what's coming.

"I just wanted to make sure that everything is okay with you, that's all." Jun's words feel like a punch to the stomach and Aiba doesn't feel hungry all of a sudden. He smiles, though, because he knows that Jun is only trying to help, and offers a nod for further reassurance.

"I'm fine," he says, feeling uncomfortably like Koharu-chan trying to convince Masamune-kun that she doesn't mind being picked up from kindergarten five hours late. The look Jun gives him makes him feel equally like a five-year-old, but he just laughs it off. "Come on, Jun, don't give me that look," he complains playfully.

"Aiba," Jun says seriously. Aiba steels himself for a lecture. "You know you can't let things slip just because you're busy with your drama. You're doing an amazing job with it, and giving it your best effort and all your attention, which is great. It would just be a shame to see you let everything else suffer because of it." The condescending tone grates on Aiba's nerves, but he smiles and nods. He knows that Jun has more experience than him in managing the balance between dramas and regular Arashi activities, and he doesn't want to seem ungrateful for the advice.

"I know, Jun-kun. Don't worry, I won't let you down," he says, and the smile turns into a grin because he knows he's telling the truth. Nobody's said anything, but in everyone's words of caution he's heard the implication that he's not cut out for dramas. It's partly his own self-doubt echoed in everyone else's words, and he knows that, but it doesn't keep him from wanting to prove them wrong. He might not be a Hollywood actor or have a smash-hit role like Domyoji, but he can do dramas just as well as the rest of Arashi - _and_ manage all his other jobs at the same time.

\---

The last thing that happens, Aiba doesn't even notice.

It's easy, when busy with work, to become reactive rather than proactive, and Aiba knows that he's the biggest culprit of this in Arashi. When they're on tour, he doesn't forget to return phone calls or reply to mails, but he begins to lose sight of himself: he trips over his own feet, forgets how to put an outfit together, and comes out with even more blindingly stupid non-sequiturs than usual. These things happen, and everyone else is aware of it, but it's when he starts getting headaches that Nino thinks there might be something else going on.

Nino just watches Aiba for a while, because he knows that Aiba doesn't have enough brain space to dress himself in the mornings let alone notice someone staring at him. Aiba catches Nino a couple of times, and assumes that he's about to knock over a mug of coffee or humming to himself, or that Nino's just watching him like a creep because Nino just does that sometimes. Aiba puts it out of his mind to focus on work, drinking his umeboshi paste concoction in the meantime to keep the headaches at bay.

Three weeks before filming for the final episode begins, Nino finally says something.

They're sitting in their dressing room at the NTV studios, just the two of them, quietly engrossed in their own activities. Aiba's reading his script for next week, absently chewing on the pencil he's using to make notes in the margins. Nino's practicing his slight of hand for a card trick he's just learned. In the middle of the table is a bowl of assorted snacks: individually-wrapped confectioneries, breads, and dried meats. Neither of them takes anything.

"Aiba," Nino says after a while, fingers still working absently at the cards, "your favorite beef jerky is in there."

"What?" Aiba replies absently, not looking up from his script. Nino puts his cards on the table and changes seats, sitting down next to Aiba and staring at him more obviously.

"Beef jerky, Aiba. In the bowl." Aiba finally looks up, but it has more to do with the hand Nino puts over his script than anything about beef jerky.

"Nino," Aiba huffs, the annoyance clear as he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before he looks at Nino again. "What is it?"

Nino reaches up and pokes him in the cheek. "You're not eating enough," he says simply, his tone allowing no room for argument.

Aiba swats Nino's hand away and rolls his eyes. "Of course I'm eating enough. I wouldn't be _standing_ if I wasn't eating enough."

Nino just shakes his head. "I've been watching you," he says, and Aiba's mouth drops as he realizes of what has been going on, but Nino continues. "You don't eat anymore. Your mind is everywhere else that you don't have room to remember to eat. You even say you're hungry all the time - not with words, just with actions - but you get distracted and don't eat."

Aiba narrows his eyes, trying to peer through Nino's argument. It's possible that he hasn't been eating very well, but _forgetting_ to eat? It doesn't sound like something that's in his nature. "Then how come I'm not any skinnier? My jeans still fit me perfectly and I don't look like a sack of bones like Sho and Ohno did. I'm fine, Nino."

Nino just blinks, undeterred. "How do you explain your headaches? I know your balance is off, even you should have noticed that. And you're losing color - even your nail beds are looking pale, and your eyes are a little yellow. I think you're anemic."

"You're just trying to scare me, Nino," Aiba concludes after a moment's thought. Sure, he's had a few headaches lately, and he's feeling more clumsy than usual, but he's always clumsy when he's busy, and the headaches are probably just from stress. Surely the pallor is just in Nino's mind; Aiba sees himself in the mirror every day, and the makeup staff haven't said anything, not like they did with Sho. "I'm not anemic, and I'm eating just fine."

Nino stares at him a little harder. His eyes bore into Aiba's and makes Aiba's stomach churn - an effect of Nino's stare, he tells himself, not hunger. "Suit yourself," Nino says after a moment, a casual shrug as though he hadn't just accused Aiba of being unable to take care of himself. "I hope you know what you're doing, you big idiot." Then, he removes himself from Aiba's side and picks up his pack of cards again.

Aiba turns back to his script, but his mind is racing. He can't decide if he likes Nino's tactics any better than Sho or Jun's, but the effect is the same. He can practically feel the defiance screaming in his veins - he's _not_ taking chances with his health, he _is_ eating plenty, and he's _not_ anemic. He's handling everything as best he can and, sure, he's having a few headaches here and there, but he's stressed. It doesn't mean he's not eating, properly or otherwise. He's staying on top of everything - he doesn't feel as tired anymore, he's doing a passable job at preparing for their shows, and he's sure he's eating three times a day.

Aiba grits his teeth for the rest of the evening, only just biting back the desire to scream that he's fine.

\---

One week before the final shoot of _My Girl_ , Aiba has some trouble remembering his dance steps for Music Station.

He's never been as good as the others at remembering steps, so it's a good cover when he asks Ohno to arrive early to practice with him before everyone else gets there. For the last two months, Ohno has been the only one who hasn't tried to give Aiba little pieces of criticism wrapped in friendly advice, and Aiba's more grateful for it than he can say. He's trying not to hold it against anyone, but every time someone questions his energy, happiness, or appetite, he can't help feeling as though they're expecting him to fall flat on his face at any moment. The effort of trying not to snap is taking its toll, and he needs to vent; the most obvious choice for someone to listen is Ohno.

Ohno had to weather the same treatment the year before, when _Maou_ started filming. Nino and Jun especially tried to take care of him, fetching him things and asking him whether he was doing well, scolding him for going fishing long before anyone else brought it up. Of course, Ohno being Ohno just let every comment roll off his back; Aiba hopes now that he'll at least be able to understand the pressure. He doesn't really want Ohno to do or say anything, just listen, because that's what Ohno does best. He always seems to know when to sit back and listen and when to give input, and it's something that everyone in Arashi has come to rely on from their leader.

So Aiba walks into the rehearsal room feeling hopeful that a conversation will relieve some of his pressure. Ohno's on the other side of the room, sitting next to the small boom box and typing on his phone. Aiba calls out a greeting as he dumps his things on the ground. "Hey leader, sorry I'm late. Pressed the 'snooze' button one too many times."

Ohno shakes his head as he looks up at Aiba, a small smile on his features for a second before his expression fades. Aiba's stomach twists for reasons he can't quite fathom until Ohno walks over to him, his face wearing between a frown and a pout, head tilted to one side. He almost hears what Ohno is going to say before he says it, but isn't fast enough to tell him to stop. "Aiba, are you feeling okay?"

"Are you kidding me?" Aiba snaps, and he instantly feels bad for it. But he also feels a crack in the dam he's built to hold back his frustrations, and it's as though everything pushing harder against it.

"Sorry, I just - you look a little - " Ohno tries to protest, holding up his hands innocently, but Aiba cuts him off.

"Yeah, I look a little tired, a little hungry, I've lost my sense of balance; Aiba, don't you think your headaches are something to worry about? You're a little pale, the bags under your eyes are getting darker, shouldn't you take a rest? You should take better care of yourself, don't spread yourself too thin, don't let anything slip - why do you look so flat today? Aiba, are you feeling okay?" Aiba knows he's rambling, but he doesn't care. The floodgates have opened and he can't stop himself now.

"I'm sick of all of it," he continues, pressing his fingers to his temples. The relief of getting it all out of his system is going straight to his head and he feels dizzy. "All the condescending tones, all the assumptions that I can't handle everything. Everyone's been trying to help, but all you're doing is rubbing my imperfections in my face and it makes me feel like absolute shit."

"Um, Aiba," Ohno says, and motions to the door.

Aiba spins around so fast he nearly falls, but catches himself on the back of a chair. The others are all standing just inside the room, staring at him. Nino and Jun are as unreadable as ever, but Sho's expression is part incredulity, part concern. The sight makes Aiba's blood pump faster and harder through his veins, and he can hear his heartbeat loud in his ears as he takes a deep breath.

"Don't give me those looks!" The emotion behind his words isn't anger, it's frustration, and he can feel his face contorting as blood rushes to his head. The tips of his ears and his cheeks are burning, but he can't stop yet. "I can't stand your worrying anymore. Do you know how many times I've asked you - any of you - to get some rest because you're pushing yourselves too hard? Or volunteered for things so that you won't have to? Or invited you to dinner because you weren't eating enough? Or covered for you when you couldn't remember your lines? Do you know? It's in the fucking hundreds. And what happens when I get a little stressed out? You all treat me like a baby who can't do anything for himself! I'm nearly twenty-eight, I don't need to be reminded to eat and sleep anymore. My mother stopped doing that when I was twelve, so you can all just let it go, okay?"

Aiba has more to say, and his mouth is open to say it, but he doesn't get it out. The heady feeling of relief and the rush of adrenaline are a potent mixture that leaves his body weak and he can tell, in the split-second before it happens, that he's going to faint. His limbs become heavy and his vision whites out, but he's not awake to feel himself collapse to the floor.

\---

Aiba wakes later to the noise of people whispering.

He doesn't hear any words, just noise, because the blinding pain in his head is blocking out his subtlety of hearing, and a moment after his consciousness is back, a wave of nausea rushes through him. He sits up instantly, the quickness of movement making his head spin all over again, and retches. He's lucky, in some ways, that he didn't have time for breakfast; there's nothing in his stomach to throw up, but he can still feel his stomach churning as all his senses return to him at once. He lies back down again and realizes then, a little belatedly, that all four other members of Arashi are sitting around him on the couch.

Nino is sitting closest, perched on the edge of the couch at Aiba's waist, both hands protectively holding one of Aiba's. Sho is sitting at the end of the couch, Aiba's legs over his lap, his fingers wrapped loosely around Aiba's ankles. Jun is leaning over the back of the couch, one hand sifting through Aiba's hair, tucking loose strands behind his ears. Ohno is acting as Aiba's headrest, with a pillow on his lap, one hand gently resting on Aiba's shoulder as he smiles down at him. They don't say anything, but Aiba registers each of their expressions in turn, and they each look an awkward mixture of worried and relieved. This time, the concern is genuine, and has a reason, and the whole scene reminds Aiba forcibly of their visits when he was in hospital for his lungs and everything hits him all at once.

"I'm sorry," he blurts out, voice frayed from exhaustion and thick as he feels the emotions well up inside him, tears pressing at the back of his eyes.

"Sorry for what?" Nino says immediately, and his tone is so clipped that it practically startles Aiba's emotions away.

"What Nino's trying to say is that you don't need to be sorry," Sho explains. "We should be the ones saying sorry to you."

Aiba shakes his head. "No, no, I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. I know you were only trying to help."

Jun swats at his head lightly. "Take our apologies, will you? We should have seen you weren't reacting well; we know better than to let it get to this."

"I can't assume you can read my mind, guys," Aiba says, and he can feel his heart warming as it begins to beat at a normal pace again, all the tension draining from his body and seeping into the couch beneath him.

"But we can," Ohno mumbles. "Just like Aiba-chan can read us."

"Exactly," Nino replies, his voice still a little hard but his hands are soft around Aiba's. "So we're going to do exactly what Aiba-chan would do if he realized his tactics weren't working."

"We're going to take you to dinner every night," Jun continues before Aiba can even imagine his own response.

"And take on more work so that you can rest," Sho says.

"And cover for you when you forget your lines," Ohno finishes.

"So that you can at least make it to the wrap party without fainting like a girl from all the stress of worrying about it," Nino adds, fighting a smile to save his prickly exterior.

Aiba giggles and swats at Nino's arm, warmth rushing through him as his affection swells for the four people surrounding him. He knows that most of the pressure he felt was of his own making, and that he had displaced the frustration from that onto the rest of Arashi, but he's too tired to beat himself up about it. He doesn't need to forgive them, because he knows that they understand what happened. They've all done it before - snapped at Aiba when something wasn't really his fault - and he's borne it before. He knows that none of them hold his actions against him, and he can breathe easily again, without the tension that had him tied in knots before.

"Thank you," he says, all of his heart going into the words. "Next time, I won't hold it in until I burst."

"Oh, great," Nino says, feigning a sarcastic tone. "You'll just keep snapping at us for two months straight, is that it?"

Aiba giggles as Sho gives Nino a shove and Jun sticks up for Nino, the conversation turning quickly into a playful, pointless argument about the relative merits of levels of emotional repression, and he can't help just lying back and watching. Ohno chuckles from above him, making his pillow jiggle, and Aiba thinks that he might just have the best friends in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for kireiyakusoku for je_holiday, originally posted [here](http://community.livejournal.com/je_holiday/70135.html). I had a tough time with this one, but it worked out for the best in the end. Thanks to maiaide as ever for holding my hand and cajoling me when I was being a fatalistic mopey-bum.


End file.
